Two questions that make life more difficult in facing this diagnosis are the ones so commonly asked. How are you feeling? How’s the treatment going?
The answers are elusive to say the least! I’m extremely unwell but pretend most of the time that I’m not. I’ve not lost my preference for taking a path of minimal intervention.
You mean well when you ask but I wonder to myself what difference it will make to you in knowing or to me in sharing honestly.
I have felt accepting of my diagnosis but at each turn of the labyrinth the light comes from a different direction. It takes time to re-orient, to sink into the reality of the new light.
I keep learning new things about the disease, about the treatment I’ve finally consented to – just one round that I’m not even a quarter of the way through to date.
Your positive encouragement is noted, appreciated but above all I need time to grieve, time to be aware of the severity of my condition, time to simply be present to it and all it means for my future.
There will yet come another turn in the labyrinth but the way forward whether it feels consoling or desolating will eventually lead to the centre where there is peace and wholeness.
So thank you for asking but it would be better to assure me of your desire for me than to ask me to dredge up what can only be a sludge of the mixed up feelings one goes through with very low energy and a slowness of life I have never had to experience before.
I am glad for the contact from you and of good medical attention and at the same time aware that there isn’t really a definitive answer to these kinds of questions.