It is a month now since I received a diagnosis it has taken me a month to even begin to understand. This life changing disease of the very marrow of my bones has crept up over this my 82nd year, with below par energy over six months. Now I’ve been through the weeks of weakness, nausea and lack of appetite and been relieved of these from removing the medication hydroxcarbamine, a request I made on day 4, but only granted two weeks later when it had probably caused my red cell count to go below the arbitrary 80. A blood transfusion two days after that count saw me pick up in red cells and platelets, but the white cell count remains dangerously low, especially the neutrophils. I’m still learning to make sense of the whole deal.
Alongside the physicality of these weeks has run a spirituality that con only deepen my life and my learning. No more the superficiality of a ‘comfortable’ faith. More of a sense of bearing a cross in pain and a dark sense what the future might be. I’ve held to my stance that if I ever to cancer again I wouldn’t have treatment. I’ve heard the threat, without treatment you have only months to live. I have said that the medical profession keeps us alive too long. I know I prefer quality of life over length. I’ve been calm, ‘matter of fact’ and have tied to stay open to various alternatives, including a miraculous ‘cure’. But I’ve needed to understand the nature of bone marrow, of blood and the kinds of medical procedures that address the problem though can never cure it.
So later today, I will ring to find whether there’s a bed for me in 5G at Flinders Medical Centre and at what time I should report in. I anticipate seven days of injections in my stomach (or other fleshy place) and commencing a 28 tablet cycle. A second bone marrow biopsy will show any results from this. I’ll know how well I might tolerate this kind of cycle which can be repeated ad infinitum until the medications are no longer effective and I choose to opt out. That may be after one cycle or open me to say two to four years of life with this monthly regime structuring how I live.
I can’t believe the range of people who are praying with me, holding me in the light, expressing their love for me. I’m ready to face whatever comes and know that high on the ‘quality of life’ list is the enriching of relationships I’ve been privileged to build over these decades. Good nourishment, healthy sleep and a minimum of physical discomfort seem like fledglings alongside this chief desire.
Thank you for journeying with me. May Divine Love, Life and Laughter fill our days, even when the cross is heavy. St Mary of the Cross, our Mother, is holding my hand and is interceding for me and with me, along with all the deceased Sisters of St Joseph and more who are still living. We are in good company. It is indeed a communion of saints.